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December 26th, 2011
11:22 am - Goodbye UglyManDan, Hello new blog I've been using LiveJournal for years now, and although I've done little to publicise my blog entries as most of them are fairly boring / self-indulgent / private it seems that LiveJournal are slowing down somewhat. Where I used to be able to back up my entries via a program so that I had them all saved, this is no longer working. When I started looking into it, LiveJournal just don't seem to make things easy for non-paying bloggers.
So I've decided to move the blog over to Wordpress which seems (and the operative word really is 'seems') to be much easier to use.
The new blog address is http://caffeinateddan.wordpress.com/ - A new name as I got fed up justifying why my blog was so self-depricating in it's name (FWIW, UglyManDan was a name chosen at a time when I was quite happy with life and was in no way a reflection on how I saw myself). The old blog posts are mostly protected. If you want access to them then feel free to email or Facebook message me and I'll tell you the passwords for the old posts, and the password I'll be using for the new ones as and when they get written.
Until then, thank you LiveJournal. I never thought I'd amass over 500 entries.
Goodbye, goodbye.
Current Location: Costa, Chelmsford Current Mood: accomplished
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November 17th, 2011
12:50 pm - Travelodge - Mary & Joseph I read on the Facebook page of a friend today the following update:
"To evoke the true spirit of Christmas, Travelodge is opening it’s door and offering couples called Mary & Joseph and anyone called Jesus a free night’s stay at any one of its 480 UK hotels. " Forget the cheesy Christmas story, look at the wrong use of 'its'. LOOK AT IT.
Ignoring the comment about stray apostrophes (which I willingly admit have always bloodyt confused me when used with the word "it"), I offered the following observations:
If you're going to pick on words, I'd have chosen Travelodge. A lodge you use on your travels. A travel-lodge. So where has the missing "L" gone in the middle of the word? Travelodge, my arse.
I'm not sure why the bastardisation of the English language annoys me so much, especially when this blog itself is crammed full of spelling errors and mistakes, but the 'missing L' thing has always annoyed me.
I went on:
And while I'm having a moan, if Travelodge really wanted to evoke the spirit of Christmas, they'd turn away couples called Mary & Joseph, or at the very least only allow them to stay for free by the bins in the car park. And don't even get me started on the likelihood of three wise men and a virgin in any town with such an establishment.
The virgin / three wise men thing is an old joke, but completely relevant to this, but my main point about evoking the spirit of Christmas stands true. In fact, I'm half tempted to write to Travelodge Head Office and say that, though I am not called Joseph, if I travel to the hotel by donkey, which is also evoking the spirit of Christmas, would I be able to stay for free. Failing that, if I bring along a pregnant, underage (check your bibles) virgin whose child I am not the father of, but will be bringing up as my own, would that allow me to qualify too? Current Mood: mischievous
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May 31st, 2011
02:04 pm - "I've lost the dog!" They were mums opening words as I answered the phone to her. My heart always sinks slightly when my phone flashes up an 'Unknown' number. Partly because when that shows, you're never quite sure who will be on the end of the line, and partly because I know it will probably be my mum, who only ever calls me if she has a problem, is upset about something, or is bored and wants to chew my ear off about nothing in particular. Many a time she has called me to ask me what's new, to which I reply something along the lines of 'nothing new since I saw you 12 hours ago'.
"I've lost the dog!" Her voice was breaking and the upset was clear. Although far from crying, she was certainly aggrieved, but in my mind that sentence reveals that the dog is dead.
"What do you mean, you've lost the dog?!". She'd only had the dog for a little over a week. She asked me not to have a go at her and explained that she couldn't find the dog and that she believed it had escaped through a small hole in the fence in the garden.
The dog was the runt of the litter, and when we picked it up it was definitely half the size of its siblings. I can understand that she would be able to squeeze through small gaps.
"If she's gotten out" mum continued, "then that fence will take her out towards a busy road..." She trailed off, not daring to say what she feared. I told her that I'd come round and help her look for it, my heart pounding in my chest at mums obvious distress. I jumped in the car and sped off, getting ten minutes down the road when the phone rang again. The same 'Unknown' notification popped up. I answered it and, lo and behold, it was mum. She had found the dog. "Thank God! Where was she? How did you get her back?" My mind was racing with questions as to where she'd gotten to, who had found her, how she had avoided being run over, but I chose to stick with the basics. "Oh, it was ok, she was asleep by the side of my chair the whole time!" mum told me, cheerfully. "What?". "Yeah, she's still asleep now. She didn't come when I called her, or when I tapped on her food bowl like she normally does." I bit my tongue. God knows how. I had presumed when I'd jumped in the car to rush to her aid that she would have had a good look around her house, rather than a cursory calling and banging on a tin. Mums. Who'd have 'em? Current Location: Starbucks, Chelmsford
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April 17th, 2011
03:06 pm - Sunny Sundays I'm sitting in a window seat in Costa in Billericay. I'm not sure I've been here before, which is strange as it's only a few miles away from Chelmsford, but there you go. It's a beautiful warm sunny day outside today and everyone has a smile on their face.
I've not long dropped the kids back home after having them for a few hours today. We ended up in Monkey Puzzle in Maldon at their request and they all seemed to have a decent time.
It's strange trying to write a blog entry when you have nothing to say. This one will be open to the public, so although there is stuff going on in my private life, especially around work, none of it will be revealed here. How boring is that, eh?
Today is just a nice day for sitting and relaxing. Nothing going on. No plans to do anything. There's plenty I should be doing, and plenty more that could be done, but I'm doing nothing. I'm in a definite Can't Be Arsed mood and quite frankly, I reckon I'm not the only one.
I love this time of year. Generally from October through to February is crappy, with long nights and dark mornings, and everyone having a face like a smacked arse. Even though that same period spans Christmas, I generally can't stand it. Although I'm far from being a sun worshipper, I just love how everyones spirits rise around this time of year. In fact, I'll go on record and say that if I had my way, I'd spend 3-4 months in the Southern Hemisphere every year if I had the cash and the situation to allow that. Logistics such as seeing the kids, working and so on and so forth could be sorted out at another juncture! Cheers. Current Location: Costa, Billericay Current Mood: happy
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January 30th, 2011
08:27 pm - Your own reality tv show If you had your own reality show, what would it be called? What would it be about? Who would the main characters be?
I guess that my own reality show would be called The Dan Show, or something equally boring. Though given my self-imposed singledom, which everyone else seems to think is not always my own choice, I guess I could call it "Desperate Dan". Or if they saw me with the kids when they were in an acting up mood, it'd get called "Dan Yell", a hilarious (!) play on my full name.
As for who the main characters would be, I guess it'd have my kids (and with such lines as "I want to go to a new soft play area daddy. It's in Colchester. Or possibly York" which Lele came out with earlier, or "When I grow up I want to be a teacher. Or maybe a cat" which Brooke uttered when she was four or five years old, it'd be a great addition to the show).
Tasha would also play a big part, as best friend and landlady (most recent text from her began: "Hey dude, quick request while I think of it. Don't forget to rinse the bath out when you're done. If I have to rinse another curly hair I'm gonna make you a wig out of it in preparation for your old age!"), and she would act as the eye candy of the show, albeit reluctantly.
Work would also play a role, with the comings and goings of me in my field sales role, including shots of me having to ask strangers where certain warehouses are, only to be pointed in the right direction and find that the warehouses cover acres and acres of space, and are clearly visible, with prominent company name, for miles around.
And lastly, my mum. The wrong side of 65, partly losing it mentally, partly playing up to it, but all with a heart of relative gold, wrapped up in the ability to have an argument within minutes of seeing me (a trait which goes both ways, I have to admit!)
I doubt it'd be a major hit. No doubt it'd be snapped up by ITV4, Challenge TV or More 4 and viewing figures would peak at a little over zero before one of the secondary characters finds fame in a Heat-magazine type way, gets hooked on hard drugs, marries after a brief courtship and gets their own reality show, knocking mine from the airways.
I'd then subsequently disappear from tv forever, save for an appearance on I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here as they scrape the barrel even further in chasing "celebrity" names to swallow kangaroo testicles for mainstream tv pleasure.
Sounds fun. Where do I sign up? Current Mood: amused
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December 26th, 2010
06:22 pm - 2010 - The year in review, via Twitter As the year draws to a close, rather than write a list of resolutions that I probably won't stick to, which would no doubt include reformatting the pc, exercising more often and finding a new place to live (I will probably write that entry next week!) I have decided instead to do the other oft-written blog post and review the year. This time, however, it will be via the medium of Twitter. In other words, much copying and pasting from my Twitter feed throughout the year - the stuff that has been ReTweeted by others.
Although judging by the lack of ReTweets in January, I must have started getting interesting after the first 31 days or so...
I should also point out that generally any tweet with three arrows "<<<" is something that I have requoted from someone else and added my own comments after the arrows. Also, anything with a hashtag (#) is a topic of discussion
Feb
4 Feb - The Pope condemns gay marriage, yet is quite happy to walk about in a dress. I think he may have some "issues"
10 Feb - If West Ham hire Warnock, I will stop going! That'll be £35 per season you'd miss, Two Davids!! Ha! #westhamwednesday In response to West Ham rumours in the press that they were to get Neil Warnock, ex-Sheffield Utd boss, in as manager
Mar
11 Mar - Google Street View showing Chelmsford at last - woo! It doesn't take much to make me happy sometimes. Before this, it was London and big cities only.
Apr
13 Apr - Football analysts have renamed Zola's 4-4-2 formation up as 4-3-Parker-2, such is the importance of Scott Parker #scottparkerfacts #westham Ahhh, West Ham's best player, Scott Parker. Such was his brilliance, he had a campaign started by Hammers fans to get "ScottParkerFacts" trending.
28 Apr - The Sun have released a new opinion poll showing Labour are now 4th favourites behind Tories, LibDems & Bigoted Woman Trying to think who the bigoted woman was, but I'm sure it was topical.
May
7 May - RT @simonlansley - Redknapp has been named Barclays manager of the season. #football << FFS, really? £140m spent in 2 seasons. Poor Hodgson! My response to hearing that wheeler dealer Harry Redknapp was winning the Manager Of The Year trophy. I'm not a huge fan of his, as you may be able to tell.
20 May - M25 why does thoust mock me so! Stuck in traffic on the M25. I'd made the mistake of taking the outside filter lane during roadworks, only for a van to break down, meaning I was stuck there for an hour with no escape, while cars travelling the same direction whizzed past me in the un-flitered and unblocked-off lane to my left.
Jun
5 Jun - Girls: Are you attractive, outgoing and single? Then join a dating site as it's the perfect way to hide the fact you're actually mental!
5 Jun - What every dad wants this Fathers Day: A card that implies he's a retard. http://twitpic.com/1u48tc I saw this in my local Waterstones. Gotta love it. I'm glad I didn't get it from my kids though.
11 Jun - RT @alidrox aww i like mario, i want him to win the task #bb11 << No way!! He still hasn't fixed my toilet!! Maybe his brother, Luigi, will. I'm assuming that this was referencing Mario from some reality show.
18 Jun - Why you shouldn't watch the game with your mum, part one. Mum: "Why isn't Jamie Redknapp playing?" #eng I should point out that Jamie Redknapp, who retired from football five years ago, and last played for England in 1999, was a pundit at Half Time in this particular England game.
Jul
1 Jul - You know you're a bad Tweeter when someone at play.com unfollows you!
6 Jul - National Kissing Day today - Who wants a snog? :D Unsurprisingly, not many people responded to this!
16 Jul - Finding this FAR too funny: http://bit.ly/94sBaZ
Aug
13 Aug - 45 mins until I go home, It's pouring down. I've no coat & no umbrella. Men w/ white shirts that go see through in the rain are hot, right?
19 Aug - My boss just called me on my mobile, to ask me what my mobile number was. It's going to be one of those days, isn't it.
25 Aug - Pretty sure the "s" on my Caps Lock key is upside down... http://yfrog.com/iyhu3j
26 Aug - @WestHamProcess Pharoah Fawcett. She was lovely in Charlies Angels In response to the question "Can you name any famous pharoahs?"
Sep
3 Sep - Dear iTunes. Do you think anyone has ever read all 55 pages of your Term & Conditions before clicking "I agree"?
3 Sep - RT @Gincess: @DannyUK what is the plural of penis? <<< I think it's JLS. This rapid response makes me laugh even now.
3 Sep - Dear First Group buses in Essex. Please could you indicate somewhere on your timetables that they are, in fact, complete works of fiction. Written after waiting 40 minutes for a bus when two that were due just didn't turn up.
4 Sep - Paul McKenna. When you bring out a book with title "I can make you grow a full head of hair" with a pic of you with hair, THEN I may buy it.
14 Sep - #joke @Hels1305 Two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says "So how do you drive this thing?" I'm not sure whether we were going for worst joke, or jokes that fitted the 140 character limit, but this was apparently worthy of a retweet.
17 Sep - I couldn't get online, so I called my ISP. "Tried disabling cookies?" they asked. I said, "Well, I once bit the legs off a gingerbread man." I didn't have a problem with my ISP, but I couldn't NOT retell this joke.
20 Sep - Just bought a new chainsaw. It's cutting hedge technology.
20 Sep - The One Show. What's the point? It's blatantly the show that people have on in the background as they sort out dinner.
Oct
3 Oct - I've just found two condoms that need using by April 2013. I'm not confident they'll get used before then... I'm still not confident about it 3 months later.
3 Oct - Dear iPhone. Please stop changing all my swear words into nice ones. You piece of shut. You're a can't. Oh go to he'll. #sickipedia
24 Oct - RT @ChrisThomson91: Intelligence in teenagers of Chelmsford is so hard to find these day... http://twitpic.com/30g3qc <<< brilliant!
27 Oct - I hate guys sometimes. If one girl sleeps with 5 guys in a year, she's called a slag. Yet if a guy does it, he's considered a "Homosexual". Another joke nicked from Sickipedia, I think. And this led to someone asking me if I was really gay.
Nov
4 Nov - In fourteen years, there'll be this thing called Twitter. This short message will make more sense then. #tweetyour16yearoldself
9 Nov - Ahhh. It's 9/11 today. If I was a terrorist, I'd bomb the UK today just to have confusion over dates in the news. Just saying...
9 Nov - Drogba has malaria. Cheryl Cole has malaria. I don't want to blame anyone, but Ashley Cole is the only common link..,
15 Nov - "I've come to the conclusion I want to keep chickens and honey bees." <<< conversation with my best mate. Help me.
15 Nov - "Make me a cup of tea and I'll show you my boobs." Lies. All lies. Women - Snakes with tits *shakes fist angrily* Not strictly a lie, as I got to see cleavage, but not strictly the truth either.
19 Nov - #ChildrenInNeed @simonmagill tbf, they can't be any good at raising money or they'd have fixed Pudseys eye by now.
21 Nov - RT @gotapulse: Catholic policy on condoms was harsh and unfeeling.. #ratherlikeacondom
30 Nov - @dossdaz It's the doubled-up prefix to Will Smiths description of the Wild Wild West. In answer to the question "what is a 'wiki' anyway?"
Dec
2 Dec - Why tweet exactly the same as someone you follow & try to pass it off as your own opinion #getyourowntweets #annoying This was funny as it was, obviously, a copy and paste from someone else who had said the same thing ;)
3 Dec @emzy2710 You should be busy planning lessons! My taxes shouldn't pay you to whiten your teeth ;) #IAmInTheWrongJob lol In response to Em, who, as a teacher, was enjoying a day off due to snow.
19 Dec - Showing the kids how the voice operated Google app works. Asked them to ask a question. 8 yr old: "Is Lady Gaga a boy or a girl?"
19 Dec - I made a snow angle with the kids. (360° angle - slipped over on my arse) :( And yes, I meant angle not angel. That was the joke. Current Location: Home
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December 24th, 2010
08:50 am - Heroes
I've been thinking about heroes a lot recently. Having seen a Ronnie Corbett show on tv last night with glowing tributes about Ronnie from the newer generation of comedians detailing how he was a comedy hero, and then reading Good Morning Nantwich by Phill Jupitus where he names John Peel as being a massive influence in his life, it has led me to think of who my heroes are. I've never been one to idolise people. If pushed, I'd argue that when you put people on a pedestal, they tend to let you down. This country is a prime example of this, through it's tendency to build people up only to knock them down just as quickly. I also think that to have a hero means you need to be passionate about something, which is an emotion I sorely lack. When I was younger ("about your age" as I would say to anyone aged 11-14 that was listening to me. Have you noticed that when you were a kid and adults were telling you something about their dim and distant past, they always say that the story occurred when they were 'about your age'?)
I remember watching Blackadder the Second. This must have been about 1985, so I was 7. At the time mum took in students to help pay the rent, and they watched the tv in the kitchen. Being surrounded by people 12 years older than me – a boy without siblings – meant that I naturally took a big interest in what they did, what they listened to and what they watched on tv. Blackadder 2 was the Blackadder series with Queen Elizabeth, and though I don’t suppose I understood many of the jokes, I know that I enjoyed it, and the seed of love was planted. As I got older, I watched Blackadder Goes Forth, when came out when I was 11. From there I bought the box set on VHS, and any time I was ill from school I remember watching the videos over and over again.
I can trace back mannerisms, my sense of humour, and even certain pronunciations back to Blackadder (God forbid I should ever get introduced to anyone called Bob, as I will enunciate the second “b” and more often than not, slap my thigh in vague recollection of a scene in the second series.
Blackadder introduced me to, of course, Rowan Atkinson. I was too young to remember his work on Not The Nine O ‘ Clock News, which was on in the very early Eighties, but somewhere along the line I was given a video of his tour that he had done with Angus Deayton. It proved to be another video that was played over and over again. The man has a sense of comic timing that rivals anyone, and I would play the tape back time and again, revelling in the slightest detail.
Adding Mr Bean to his collection (and re-using some of the material from his tour ten years previously in some episodes) and then generally staying out of the public eye has given him hero status in my eyes. A man who is infinitely funny, can write his own material, but can act the material of others in such a hilarious way, if I ever found myself working in comedy and having to cite my main influence growing up. Rowan Atkinson would be the one person I would eulogise about. He is due to release a film soon, Johnny English 2, which I hope does justice to his talent.
As I got older I started to get more into football. Having always been a West Ham fan, it wasn’t until the age of about 14 that I really started taking an interest in them. Watching them on tv and then seeing them live for the first time a couple of years later, I fell in love with a team that were perennial strugglers, who flitted between the top two divisions before finally staying in the Premier League, punching above their weight for many seasons. Although I’d always been a fan of Tony Cottee, who had left the club when I was just ten, my admiration of him stretched as far as pretending to be him in the school playground (something for which I apologise now – my footballing talents are non-existent. Never has a name been so abused by it’s protagonist, as I ran through the commentary in my head as I played with my school friends in the playground in 1st year juniors. – “Cottee loses his man… he’s found space. Cotte gets the ball, strikes it! … And has kicked it over the fence. Again….”
It wasn’t until I started watching the team that I realised a striker was the glamour position in a team. A striker could miss a dozen shots, but if he scored one he was a hero. A keeper on the other hand could save a dozen shots, but if he conceded one he was a villain. Although West Ham had the marvellous Phil Parkes, and then Ludek Miklosko in goal, I was smitten with the left back. A seemingly anonymous position of the team, West Ham had the mighty Julian Dicks playing there. A man unfairly remembered for his temper and penchant for yellow and red cards. Dicks was, and remains, a hero to me. Never before had I seen one man drag a team on through a game, kicking and screaming. I don’t think it’s something you see with bigger teams, as the Manchester Uniteds and Arsenals of this world will always have a team of players with ability. In the early to mid nineties, West Ham were a poor team. Much as they are today, in fact. And whereas today Scott Parker is the man to pick the team up and drive them on, Dicks did it first for me, and never before or since have I seen a man influence so many games for 90 minutes from a full back position as I did with Dicks. It’s a shame that, in real life, he is meant to be a bit of a pratt.
The last hero that I can think of is one that, unlike the previous two, is still very much in the public eye. Chris Evans, who hosts the Radio 2 breakfast show and appears on The One Show burst onto the scene with The Big Breakfast in the early Nineties. Although I wasn’t a massive fan of his work on that, or his subsequent show Don’t Forget Your Toothbrush, there was no doubting his energy and focus. It wasn’t until he went to Radio One and then Virgin Radio that I fell in love with him. His energy and drive meant that he achieved his goals, and when TFI Friday came about, he was a man at the top of his game. He’s slowed down in recent years, as you would expect, and although I don’t listen to his radio show too much (as for me it will never reach the pinnacle he had in the 90s), I am glad that he seems to have come through his “insane” years in one piece. I read the first part of his autobiography absolutely transfixed from one page to the next. It was the first time I had read an autobiography where I remembered first hand much of the stuff that had happened, and could barely put the book down.
Evans’ story was an inspirational one, and one that I could read again and again. I’m not a huge fan of his recent stuff, but seeing his meteoric rise and subsequent fall was exhilarating, and I’m pleased that he has managed to get back to winning ways.
That’s all I could think of hero-wise. Three people in 32 years. One of whom, Dicks, was naturally talented but ultimately flawed and probably not worthy of idolisation above and beyond any other footballer. Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone. Current Location: Home
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December 11th, 2010
10:59 am - Writer's Block: Do you want to know a secret?
Hmmm...
Which song by The Beatles is your favorite, and why?
That's a Hell of a question. I was raised in a house that primarily played Tom Jones and Elvis. Mum, despite being the same age as Paul McCartney, was never a Beatles fan. That's right, despite being the same generation as The Beatles, and old enough to witness them first time around, she didn't like them, and therefore never really listened to them.
At school there was a kid in our class, Glen Manners, that loved the Beatles. When he wasn't skiving, tripping on acid or generally being naughty, he was telling everyone how great the Beatles were.
One Christmas the classic Red & Blue albums were re-released, which I asked for and subsequently got given. These were the greatest hits, starting at the beginning with the Red album, and moving onto to the last few years with the blue album. Sticking all four cds in my multi-cd player at home, I spent the holidays listening to them, playing Civilisation on the Atari ST all the while, so much so that quite a few Beatles tracks remind me of ruling the English as they trash various other civilisations.
When I started work my best friend Alan lent me Abbey Road, telling me how great an album it was. I listened to it on cassette on the Bakerloo line, simply because I couldn't get a radio signal there. I was completely apathetic towards it, until Maxwells Silver Hammer came on. A weird track, it is a couple of tracks in to the album, and although it made me smile, it wasn't an instant classic for me. It did, however, introduce me to a different side of the Beatles, and though I had generally liked their older, more experimental tracks that occupied the Blue album, I didn't realise just how different they could be.
Now I seem to have most of their albums in some format or another, mostly on the computer. The ones that get played the most are the White Album, Abbey Road and Sgt Peppers, all of which have some outstanding tracks. Rocky Raccoon makes me smile as it mentions my name. The whole second side of Abbey Road is a musical journey which I can lose myself in for thirty minutes, and Sgt Peppers has A Day In The Life and Shes Leaving Home, both fantastic tracks.
My favourite, though? I'm really not sure. Old Brown Shoe is up there, as is Across The Universe, which incidentally my mate Beardy Ben has the starting lyrics tattooed across his arm. Long And Winding Road is also a great song, and I've always loved their version of Twist And Shout, more so these days as it is sung (or rather, shouted) when West Ham go away.
I'd generally cite the last few tracks of Abbey Road as my favourite of The Beatles, as they merge together well, starting with You Never Give Me Your Money. To pick just one though? Her Majesty. Just for the cheeky two lines of lyrics and less than 20 seconds of song. Current Location: Work, Chelmsford
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09:42 am - When time slows I was listening to the Utter Shambles podcast which happened to have Collins & Herring on this week, and Andrew Collins told a story about how he fell of a pile of bags of manure (or possibly pig food, he wasn't sure) and how he agreed with the previous point that had been made, which was that time sometimes slows down for people.
The only time I can immediately think of that this has happened to me was back at school. I must have been around 13 years old, and for some reason at lunchtime I was messing about at the back of the New Block (which, ironically, was older than all of us pupils at the school). This was a rarity. Lunchtimes were normally spent playing football in the playground or the tennis courts, or generally dossing about in the lunch hall. Not for us, was going into the glade, a wooded area at the back of the school which was out of bounds and therefore an immediate attraction to those that wanted to take the risk of getting caught. Neither was it common for us to wander off of school premises. The nearest High Street was a mile away, meaning you had next to no time to do anything by the time you got there given that you had to be back for registration immediately after lunch. Pointless if you asked me, but it was a popular activity for some.
There was also a group that seemed to hang around outside the back entrance to the New Block. As they were older than us, we never challenged them for their place, but this day they weren't there for whatever reason and we chose to sit there and chat rather than anything more strenuous. The New Block was built on a slant, so the front was levelled off, but the back of the building, which had the Fire Exits, had several concrete steps leading from the building to the back field. I was messing about at the top of the steps. I say messing about, I'm really not sure what I was doing, but for some reason I was standing on the small wall that was to the right of the steps, at the top, talking to a group of friends who were by the bottom step. From memory that means my feet were about 6' off the floor.
Suddenly, for a joke, someone threw something at me. I'm pretty sure it was only a rolled up piece of paper or similar, not enough to cause any damage, but large enough for me to try to avoid. As I ducked to one side, I suddenly realised I was off balance. I did that ridiculous flappy-arm thing that people do when they are about to fall over, and this is when things started to go in slow motion.
The momentum of dodging the missile had caused me to lean over the side of the wall, away from the concrete steps. As I fell, I felt my foot fling itself in the air, and I crashed to the ground, some 6ft below, behind the prickly bushes that were planted either side of the steps, landing squarely, arse first, on a small concrete ledge. I lay there for what felt like a couple of seconds, shocked at the fall. I had immediately felt like it had happened in slow motion, and as I sat there digesting what had happened, and pondering the weirdness of how long it had taken to fall, wondering why things seemed to move so slowly at times like this, when I felt something hit me on the shoulder. Looking around, to add insult to injury, I found it was my shoe, which had slipped off when my leg flicked out, and had just found its way down to me, seemingly several seconds after the fall, but in reality no more than a second or two.
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November 23rd, 2010
04:32 pm - Travellators We have a Tesco Home Plus in Chelmsford, which is a Tesco store packed with electrical goods and toys. It's similar to an Argos, but with everything on display rather than stocked away behind the scenes. The store itself is split over two levels, with lifts at the back of the store to take you between the ground floor and the mezzanine, and at the front of the store two separate escalators doing the same thing.
The escalators are flat, rather than stepped, to allow people to push trolleys up and down, and move at a fairly slow pace and are, amusingly, called "travellators", though unlike Gladiators you don't get to swing on a rope through a foam-brick wall at the end.
Tesco Home Plus also has a Costa Coffee section, and it happens to be the closest coffee shop to work, so I find myself popping in there for lunch.
Tasha came to see me at work last week and we decided to head to Tesco to grab a coffee. Tasha hadn't been to the store before, and didn't know that the Costa section was upstairs. As we walked through the entrance to the store I manoeuvred her towards the upwards-moving travellator, stopping at the bottom and extending my hand as a sign of good manners that she should go before me.
As she stepped on the travellator and started moving away from me, I held my position at the bottom, just in front of the start of the travellator.
"Where are you going?" I asked, grinning from ear to ear.
Tasha smiled, looked embarrassed and then did a little girly run to get back down. Even though the travellator wasn't moving at any great speed it WAS moving, and as such, for every couple of steps that Tasha took to get back to me, she would find herself one step back. In the end she broke into a little run to get back to the stationary section, and the image of her running back down and getting nowhere fast amused me far more that it should have done.
As she got back to my side, obviously slightly embarrassed and a little flustered, I said that I had just been kidding and that we had to go upstairs. She laughed and stepped back on the travellator. It was all I could do not to repeat the whole scenario again, but instead I got on and joined her.
It's the little things like that which make me laugh. Had she done it to me, I'd probably have been pissed at being made to look daft, Tasha on the other hand took it well and laughed along. Current Location: Work, Chelmsford
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